Painting My Spirit Gold

Back in March of 2020, I attended Oprah’s Vision Tour with two of my best friends Megan and Rebecca. It was a day full of motivational speeches, awkward dancing, and working on ourselves emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It was also the last large gathering I’d attend before COVID-19 severely hit the world stage and we went into lockdown.

One of the things Oprah tasked us with during the seminar was to come up with our “word” for the upcoming year. The word that we wanted to focus on to achieve our vision and purpose.

It’s almost laughable now that I choose the word “Challenge”. “Challenge” was something I originally wanted to seek, to get outside of my comfort zone more, learn something new and to not feel so complacent. Instead, “Challenge” has been smacking me consistently in the face. “Challenge” isn’t a choice anymore in 2020.

Since that Vision Tour, 2020 took a turn. We’ve been living through a pandemic, the murder of George Floyd and a major social justice reckoning, fires blazing through our beloved state and national park for two months, and the passing of Dan’s aunt Nan (to name a few) all while we were struggling with infertility. 2020 has proven to be the worst, most unwelcomed challenging year of my life.

As I mentioned in my previous post, it’s been a year since we have begun trying to start a family. Here is the past year of challenge in a nutshell.

November 2019: I went off the pill and started taking prenatal vitamins.
December 2019: I started acupuncture and had a natural period.
February 2020: I started taking the supplement Ovasitol and had a natural period.
April 2020: I finally met with a fertility doctor at Conceptions and had a natural period.
May 2020: Fertility clinics in Colorado re-opened and treatment began again. I went in for bloodwork which included genetic testing and an ultrasound. I also had HSG and SHG procedures done where they found a polyp in my uterus.
June 2020: Polypectomy surgery.
June-July 2020: Recovery with estrogen and progesterone. Began therapy.
July-August 2020: Finally began the IUI process. Started with 2.5 mg, then 5 mg, then 7.5 mg, then 10 mg of Letrozole to grow follicles for IUI.
August 2020: IUI 1.
September 2020: IUI 2.
October 2020: IUI 3. Began attending Resolve’s support group.
November 2020: Currently in process for our final IUI 4. Started blogging again.

Although I have listed above the physical and logistical challenges from the clinic being closed to finding out I had to get a polyp removed to my follicles not growing to 3 failed IUI cycles, there are so many heart wrenching emotional challenges that also come along with infertility.

The waiting.

The loneliness.

The jealousy.

The toll on a marriage.

The inability to plan a future.

I read a quote last week on one of the fertility Instagram accounts that I follow, “You have survived 100% of your worst days”. Reading through all of that is a good reminder of how much I’ve done, been through, and survived.

They say that infertility is as emotionally and mentally taxing on a person as going through chemo. Sometimes, I can’t believe we are still going after everything we’ve been through. And many days, I want to move to a beach in Mexico, drink my weight in tequila, and forget that I want to be a parent and never think about any of this again.

But, I refuse to let “Challenge” stop me. Although it has been a long, difficult road to where we are, there is so much more we can still do and still be hopeful for. We aren’t at the end.

I have to believe that someday “Challenge” will be a choice again.

Cover photo credit to my talented best friend, Megan Fitzpatrick.